Urban Mountain

The Many Powers of Maybe Refusing to Commit Has Never Been Easier, and It Says A Lot About Us

Virginia Clair — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:25:46 +0000

If I asked you to have dinner with me Friday night, would you say “yes”? (Great!) “No”? (Bummer.)
Or would you break my heart and say “maybe”?
In the digital age, avoiding commitments has never been easier. Responding “maybe” to Facebook, Evite
and e-mail invitations is a popular alternative to saying “yes” or “no” outright. WSJ video takes this
phenomenon into the workplace and observes what happens when “maybe” is used face to face.
It seems it wasn’t long ago that invitations required definitive answers. We would receive a phone call or a
piece of mail requesting our attendance at an event, and we were expected to call or write back—with an
affirmative or negative response.
But then electronic invites came along and made it way too easy for us to wriggle out of social
engagements. All we had to do was click one little button: “Maybe.” Once we saw how easy that was—no
stressful decision or long explanation necessary—we started typing it into emails and texts.
Catch a movie tonight? Maybe.
Brunch this weekend? Maybe.
Join us for Thanksgiving? Maybe.
See how easy it is? No commitment. No consequences.
Or so we’d like to think. Because we’re not speaking to someone directly and so don’t have to hear that
person’s disappointment (or listen to her nag), we can fool ourselves into thinking there are no hard
feelings. And now that we have unlimited access to each other through our smartphones, we feel we
have the luxury of waiting until the last minute to make a decision because we can always call, email or
text to say we’ve made up our mind—we’re going to show up after all.
Here’s the problem with “maybe”: It means different things to different people. And something always gets
lost in translation.
“I thought ‘maybe’ meant ‘maybe,’ ” says Mamta Desai, a 26-year-old private-equity investment associate
in Los Angeles. She learned otherwise when she and a friend threw a party last summer. They sent out a
Facebook invite to 120 people. Fifty said they would attend and did. Twenty replied “maybe”—and just
two of those people showed up.
Of course, some people who say “maybe” genuinely need to check their calendars. And many see it as a
nice, gentle way to say “no.” (Doesn’t everyone know by now that on a Facebook invite, “yes” means
“maybe” and “maybe” means “no”? I decided to ask Facebook. “Sometimes the best bet is the hedge bet
until you know who’s said yes,” a spokeswoman explained.)
But for many, “maybe” is more complicated. “It seems to be about ambivalence, but it is really about
power and boundaries,” says Prudence Gourguechon, a psychiatrist in Chicago. “Person A who says,
‘Yeah, maybe,’ essentially puts recipient B on hold. B is powerless.”
Some “maybe” people are trying to stall, buy time, work up their nerve to decline the offer or see if a
better one comes along. Others suspect that on the date in question they just might prefer to curl up in
bed with a good book. Parents use “maybe” to soften a negative response to a child. Ditto bosses and
their underlings. And don’t get me started on the commitment-phobes and control freaks.
“A ‘maybe’ protects us from being a promise-breaker,” says Gerald Goodman, professor emeritus of
clinical psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles. He says that “maybes” sometimes are
necessary to protect relationships. “Tender emotions turn broken promises into betrayal,” he says.
Alicia Gutierrez offers up maybes all the time—to requests to attend happy hours, concerts and dinner
with friends. The invitations often sound great, but when the time comes, “I want to sit on my couch and
be brain-dead and watch bad TV,” says the 38-year-old commercial-account manager for a large
technology company.
Ms. Gutierrez, who lives in Miami, considers “maybe” to mean “no,” but recently found out that not
everyone else does. When asked by an acquaintance to attend a charity event, she replied: “Sounds
great, maybe.” Then she forgot about the invite.
On the night of the party, Ms. Gutierrez—at home on her couch in her pajamas—received a text from her
pal, asking her where she was. She responded, “Sorry, I’m on a date.” The woman never spoke to her
again. “A ‘maybe’ can be whatever you want it to be,” she says. “It has nothing to do with the person
saying it—it’s really about the person who is interpreting it.”
Ah, there’s the rub. Just as “maybe” has various meanings to the people who say it, it also has different
meanings to the people who hear it. ” ‘Maybe’ can be blurry to the listener,” says UCLA’s Dr. Goodman.
“People who feel intolerant of ambiguity probably hate to hear ‘maybe’—it can give them an insecure
feeling.”
Tell me about it. Some of my favorite people are chronic hedgers. I gave up decades ago on getting a
firm response from my mom to any request. It took me two years to figure out that when my best friend
says “maybe,” she unfailingly means “no.” And recently, one of my oldest friends declared me to be “high
maintenance” for insisting on a firm ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following question: “Are we on for dinner tonight?”
As much as I am accustomed to this waffling, it still sometimes unsettles me. I want my loved ones to
jump with joy at my invites, of course. And if they don’t give me a definitive answer, I’m not really free to
make other plans. But I also can’t help feeling a little rejected.
I’m not alone in finding this fence-straddling annoying. ” ‘Maybe’ is a weasel word,” says Kerry Fitzpatrick,
70, a retired chief executive of a horse-racing business who lives in St. Petersburg, Fla.
“It says to me, ‘You are not that important; other people or things might come along that are really more
important,’” says Lori West, 39, a nurse from Virginia Beach, Va.
“It makes me feel like my feelings have been discounted,” says Amanda Collins, 39, of Phoenix. One of
her best friends answers every invite with, “I’m not sure. Maybe.” The owner of a marketing and
communications firm, she has come up with a strategy: Every time her friend hedges, she calls him
“Maybe Man” and demands a firm answer.
Perhaps I’ll try this on my own Maybe Man, my three-year-old nephew, Noah. On a recent visit, I asked
him if he wanted to go swimming after lunch.
His answer? You guessed it.
By Elizabeth Bernstein, Wall Street Journal, November 2, 2010-11-02

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704141104575588460082408950.html?KEYWORDS=elizabeth+bernstein

Heard of Edgewater?

Virginia Clair — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 17:30:09 +0000

Heard of Edgewater? It’s a 1 sq mile city 5 minutes from downtown Denver and it’s experiencing a housing comback. http://ow.ly/2pqNb

In the Market for a Fun New Pad?

Virginia Clair — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 17:28:59 +0000

In the market for an interesting new pad? http://ow.ly/2wgsj

Low Interest Rates Make the Market Great for Buyers

Virginia Clair — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 14:15:05 +0000

If you are in the market to buy a home, now might be the best time to do it with interest rates so low!

This article is from Realtor Magazine.

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Mortgage Rates Fall Yet Again
Mortgage rates have hit a new record low for the 10th time in 11 weeks as investors continue to turn to Treasury bonds as a safe haven; the shift in money is cutting yields, which mortgage rates tend to follow.

Freddie Mac reports that 30-year fixed loans averaged 4.32 percent, down from 4.36 percent a week ago; and the 15-year fixed rate fell to a new low of 3.83 percent, down from 3.86 percent.

Browse all of today’s news

Urban Mountain Featured City

Virginia Clair — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 15:33:04 +0000

Louisville Colorado
This small town with a population of approximately 19,000 topped CNN Money’s list for Best Places to Live in 2009.
Click to read the article.

What makes this city so special? For the outdoor enthusiast, there are 1,700 acres of open space which include nearly 30 miles of trails, public schools rank high in this district, the Rocky Mountains are a short car ride away, which means hiking and biking in summer and skiing and boarding in winter. Did we also mention that Colorado has over 300 sunny days a year?

This small town, located 25 miles northwest of Denver, is nestled between Boulder, Westminster and Broomfield and has easy access to I-25, E-470, and the Boulder Turnpike.

Check this out before you remodel…

Virginia Clair — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:42:39 +0000

8 most overrated home projects

If you’re considering remodeling your home, it may be best to skip these upgrades.

By Melinda Fulmer of MSN Real Estate

MSN Real Estate is social

In these uncertain times, remodels are more about wringing day-to-day enjoyment out of your house than simply boosting its resale value. But not every project delivers on its promise of luxury and enjoyment.

Some delightful-sounding home improvements can be problematic or overly expensive or simply wind up collecting dust while you’re still paying the tab. And some are destined to become white elephants, in the same kitschy category as that 1970s wet bar, sauna or intercom system.

MSN Real Estate consulted with contractors, designers and other home-improvement gurus — as well as homeowners themselves — to come up with a somewhat subjective “honey-do” list that’s better left undone.

1. Whirlpool bath
This upgrade, which had become synonymous with luxury in years past, is now on the most endangered list, contractors say.

“We’re taking out these bathtubs and making (walk-in) showers out of them,” says Fred Spaulding of Quality Home Improvements in Kingwood, Texas.

Indeed, while they became a standard feature in many upscale homes, a hefty percentage of people who have these big whirlpool tubs report never having the time or inclination to soak in them, in part because of the noise and amount of water required to fill them and keep them warm.

What’s your home worth?

“In almost four years, I have never used it,” says “sisb” on a home and garden forum.

2. Room additions
These days, the name of the home-improvement game is conversion, or using existing space in a new way, says Don Van Cura, a Chicago-area remodeling contractor who sits on the board of the National Association of the Remodeling Industry.

“The biggest thing I’ve seen a change in is less room additions,” Van Cura says. “Before, it had to be bigger and more, more, more. Now we are seeing more people taking advantage of attic or bedroom space.”

Dining rooms are becoming home offices. Basements are becoming family rooms, and there are a lot more unpermitted (and some legitimate) attic-to-bedroom conversions, contractors say.

Article continues below

Remodel your home for free? Sort of . . .

View more MSN videos Go to Wall Street Journal

Forking over an average of $82,756 to build a new family room from the ground up — including foundation, framing, drywall and electric — is more expensive, architects and designers say, than converting your basement. And the addition recoups only 65% of its value at resale, according to Remodeling Magazine’s 2009-10 Cost vs. Value Report. That basement remodel, on the other hand, costs just $62,067 on average and recoups 75% of its value.

3. ‘Versailles’ kitchens
In contrast with Europe, Americans — with their comparatively shorter history — just love anything that looks old and ornate.

If you look at European design books or websites, you’ll find page after page of simple, streamlined modern looks. Here, our McMansions boast elaborate Tuscan villa-style kitchens with ornate cabinetry, hardware and tile.

MSN Lifestyle: What’s your kitchen style?

Call it the Bellagio effect.

“People will go into hock finding themselves surrounded by $150,000 of polished granite and fancy French or English cabinetry,” says TV home-improvement veteran Bob Vila, who coaches people through remodeling projects on BobVila.com.

They’ll wind up saying, ‘I’m still paying on that and what the hell pleasure am I getting out of it?’ Going overboard with any aspect of home remodeling can be a mistake.”

Indeed, upscale kitchen remodels carried an average price tag of $111,794 last year, according to Remodeling Magazine, but recouped just $70,641, or 63%, of their value at resale, a decline from the 2008-2009 survey.

4. Marble counters (or other porous surfaces)
Marble is a luxurious material that has been long-favored in kitchen and bath remodels. But it is losing its luster.

Sure, it has a lovely, natural look and a rich history in castles and palaces, but it requires more pampering and attention than a spoiled princess, experts say. Marble can scratch more easily than other surfaces, get burned by hot pans and stain easily, just like limestone and other porous materials. That, coupled with a price between $50 and $100 per square foot, should persuade you to leave it to the museum.

Indeed, while much attention has been focused on the drawbacks to granite countertops, contractors say it and other nonporous surfaces such as man-made quartz counters are better long-term picks than marble, limestone or even heavy poured concrete, a trendy surface that can crack as the cabinets underneath shift over time.

“It’s very dependent on well-built cabinets below it,” Van Cura says.

Virginia Clair — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 20:27:23 +0000

4 hidden costs of your new neighborhood

Before deciding to move to that new location, make sure you know how much it will really cost to live there.

By Michele Lerner of Bankrate.com

Residents fed up with high property taxes or expensive housing may be tempted to relocate to a home in a lower-cost region.

However, Teresa Luetjen-Keeler, president of Orella Moves and a certified relocation and transition specialist in Fanwood, N.J., says people who fail to do their homework may get burned.

“Whether you are moving by choice or by necessity, you should evaluate all the costs of relocating because costs vary a lot even within a metropolitan area,” she says.

Before you move, weigh the following costs:

Transportation
After housing, transportation is the second-biggest expense for most households, according to the Center for Neighborhood Technology in Chicago. Costs can be high whether residents drive their own cars or use public transportation.

“The first calculation when it comes to choosing a place to live should be this: You don’t live your life in your home, you live it outside your home,” says John McIlwain, senior resident fellow and J. Ronald Terwilliger chair for housing at the Urban Land Institute in Washington, D.C.

The center developed the “H + T Affordability Index” to address the link between housing costs and transportation costs in more than 300 metropolitan regions.

While homeowners generally are urged to keep housing costs to no more than 31% of income, the center estimates that combined costs of housing and transportation should not exceed 45% of income.

Many home shoppers budgeting for a new home weigh their monthly payment, taxes and insurance, “but they don’t always estimate their transportation costs,” says Scott Bernstein, the center’s president.

MSN Money: Where America’s rich are moving

“Many people opt to ‘drive until you qualify,’ driving to neighborhoods where the housing costs are lower, not considering the transportation costs associated with living far from their jobs,” he says.

McIlwain says it’s a mistake to think of transportation costs purely in terms of commuting.

Read the rest, click here…

Tax Credit Extension for Service Members

Virginia Clair — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 17:57:36 +0000

Daily Real Estate News | April 28, 2010 | Share

Service Members Get Extra Year for Tax Credit
Members of the U.S. military, foreign service and intelligence communities have another year to purchase a home and claim the home buyer tax credit.

Any service member who is or has been on extended duty for 90 days or more between Jan. 1, 2009 to April 30, 2010, has until April 30, 2011, to sign a sales contract and until June 30, 2011, to close on the property. Both the $8,000 first-time and the $6,500 repeat home buyer tax credits are included in the extension.

The rule that requires buyers to repay the credit if they move out of their home within three years has also been waived for qualified service members if they receive government orders to move.

Source: The National Association of Home Builders (04/26/2010)

Forbes.com Ten Ways to Raise the Value of Your Home

Virginia Clair — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:14:10 +0000

Click the title below to link to the article.

Ten Ways To Raise The Value Of Your Home
Betsy Schiffman

Any unique touches in your home–a flaming red dining room or an indoor tree house–may have been important and sentimental to you and your family, but future buyers may not find such touches equally enchanting. Real estate brokers suggest that sellers take unique or conspicuous items out of the house. “Relocation services companies often offer home purchase plans, where they buy executives’ homes and sell it for them in order to expedite the move, and they often sell those houses twice as fast as the original homeowners,” says Kathleen Kuhn. “The reason is they are very unemotional about the home. They come in, paint the house neutral, do some landscaping and put it back on the market. It’s just a product to them.”

Forbes.com Ten Ways to Raise the Value of Your Home

Virginia Clair — Thu, 20 May 2010 11:05:54 +0000

click the title below to link to the article.

Ten Ways To Raise The Value Of Your Home
Betsy Schiffman

The biggest concern for most home buyers is the roof, according to brokers. “If your roof is 5 to 10 years old, you may be OK. But a roof that’s 17-plus years old may be a problem,” says Bruce Taylor. “If there are any deferred maintenance issues, buyers may run away. Even if they love the house.” What to do? “The more problems the buyer finds, the more they are going to want to negotiate the price down,” says Kathleen Kuhn of HouseMaster. “Buyers tend to want two times the cost of the repair off the price. The more you do yourself, the more economical it is.”